The One About Butt Dailing
by polybi
Summary: Snow White Gets Butt-dialed. Three guesses by whom. That's all you need to know. Rough language, SwanQueen, undead Zelena. Oh, and as a bonus, it's based on a true story! One-shot. Corrected the title. Thanks for pointing it out.


_**Story Number 40 on FF! And you're still reading me?**_

_**Based on a true story. Really. ***_

_**Some rough language and sexual SwanQueen. You've been warned.**_

_**Oh, and some people are not dead who are on TV.**_

_**The usual disclaimers.**_

* * *

Little Neal was asleep in his bassinet. Charming was with Hook, taking Henry camping. Emma was out as well. She said that she was doing Sheriff's duties, but Emma's relationship with Regina was the worst kept secret in the state of Maine, let alone the hamlet of Storybrooke. But Snow White could care less...for the first time in a long time, nothing but peace and quiet.

Emma gave her mom a Kindle Fire for the holidays and loaded it up with about 10 books for Snow's enjoyment. For some reason, she was in an Amy Poehler mood so turned on the device, selected _Yes, Please_, sat at the seat at the window and began to read.

Paul Simon's _Mother and Child Reunion_ suddenly started from Snow's phone, the signal that alerted that Emma was calling, and maybe a reprieve from the peace, quiet, and boredom.

Snow gave a cheerful "hello!" Nothing.

"Hello!" Snow said again. She heard nothing except maybe some shuffling. Maybe Emma dropped the phone, Snow thought, hoping that nothing was wrong with her daughter.

Then, before she could say "hello" again, she heard something.

Breathing.

Rapid breathing.

_Emma's._

That breathing was joined by another person's panting. And Snow knew _that_ panting because she and this person chased each other up and down the Enchanted, Endless, and various other Forests.

And there Snow White sat on the phone, for four straight minutes listening as panting turned into grunts, which turned into language that would make even Captain Killian "Hook" Jones blanche (Snow assumed that, of course...the only person she would curse like that in that way was...OH. MY. GOD!)

Then suddenly...

"_EMMMMMMMMM-MAAAAAAAAA...!"_

"_GEEEEEEEENNNNN-NAAAAAAA...!"_

And then...

"_**FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK!"**_

In two-part harmony, no-less.

Then, a sudden "Holy SHIT...!" And then the phone went dead.

Snow White stared into space, still affected by what she had just heard on the phone. She didn't hear the door open, did not hear her husband quietly walk in, barely felt his lips on hers and just barely registered "Charming" ask his wife if there was anything interesting that happened while he was out. Snow didn't know if she should laugh or cry, She just squeaked, "Naaaahhh..."

* * *

_**Granny's, the next morning.**_

So, a Saviour, an Evil Queen, a fairy, a Wicked Witch, and a pirate were sitting at the table. Anywhere else, it would be the beginning of a really bad joke. In Storybrooke, Maine, it was just Tuesday at 8:30am.

The conversation was pretty animated, going from "I didn't know the phone was in my pocket," to "and who did you butt-dialed," a mention of Snow, two "holy fucks" done in simultaneous British and Kiwi accents, meandering to a "I just wish I was there," followed by a sharp "keep dreaming, Hook!" retort.

It was at that point that the unintended guest of honor walked into the Inn. Snow had That Face. The one that a mom would wear when you know she knows not only that you rear-ended the family car but exactly what club you were at when you backed out AND your how much your blood alcohol level rang the bell when it happened.

Snow approached the table...she could already see her daughter and the Mayor sporting increasing red faces, as Zelena, Hook, and Tink were sporting the type of smirks that tell of knowing that shit was about to go down and damn! am I glad I'm here to see it in living color, 3D, and VistaVision...

"Hi, Mom!...Snow...Mary Margaret...!" Emma was giving one of those smiles that said "if I showed enough teeth maybe she would forget that I butt-dialed her..." At least the mortification on Regina's face showed that the Evil Queen knew that wasn't happening that morning.

"Yeah, Em...you called. Me." Snow was deadpanning all the way on this. "Four minutes, Emma Swan. Four. Whole. Minutes..."

Zelena was turning green, Tink and Hook were turning red, and all three where convulsing, fighting the urge to laugh at all this, and they knew they were losing."

"Mom, I can explain..." Emma's attempt at an explanation was halted by a parental raised hand. "Oh, Emma, I would have to be even more of an idiot than your..._lov-vah_...thinks I am..." At this point, Regina was hoping that anyone would come in and yanked her heart out.

"Let's just say I found what I heard..."

Emma and Regina were both now waiting for the boom to drop...

"Im.._.pressive!_"

"What...?" asked a flabbergasted Emma.

"I said...impressive. Very much so..."

Then Snow White winked.

The Wicked Witch, the Green Fairy, and the Pirate all broke out in gales of laughter.

As for Emma and Regina, they just sat embarrassed as all get out, while Snow White and the shit-eating grin she was sporting signaled that it was going to be a very, very long breakfast...

_**The End.**_

* * *

_***Oh, the true story. There is this UK TV presenter and columnist, Colleen Nolan (no relation to Charming, snarkees and snarkettes) who had a similar experience and related it on a show she was a regular on, Loose Women, the UK equivelent to The View or The Talk. The whole story is Google-able, but you get the gist.**_

_**And I'll leave it here so your imaginations can run wild.**_

_**And yes, In MY universe, Zelena is alive and semi-redeemed.**_

_**Comments would be quite nice.**_

_**Thanks for reading!**_


End file.
